Kin U Spelle Kahl-edge?

Here are my first couple weeks at the greatest place on Earth: OSU!

me.

There are lots of new characters here at OSU, I guess I should start with my roomates...

This is Renee (Known Aliases: 'Nayner' or 'Kiwi'). She's from North Olmsted and she didn't know black people truly existed before she came here. In North Olmsted, black people are mythic creatures thought to exist only on the remote island of Negroidesia.


This is Ashley. She's from Akron. AK ROWDY. From here on out she will be referred to only as 'Fresa' or 'Hicks.'


And here we have Laurel 'LB' Burns. She comes from the racist, shithole known as Cincinnati. But she's muy fantastico!

Ok, those are the roomies. Here are other new people:

These two strapping gents are two of Ian's roomates. The brown one is Deepak. The not brown one is Shawn.


Ian's other roomate is Jerad. I don't have a picture of him though. So instead here is a picture of one of his posters. You could guess what kind of guy he is from the poster...and your guess would be pretty much right. (F.Y.I. that girl's name is Jaime.)


This is Mark. He not only has a heavy flow & a wide-set vagina, but also a button that reads, "Does this dick in my mouth make me look gay?"


That big dude is Jason. He lives across from Jim, Ben, & Brandon. He's amazing.


This is Oren. Kinda like Oren-Ishii except instead of a chinese-american/japanese woman he's a little white guy. And I think he's Laurel's boyfriend or something.


This is Samuel L. Jackson on a bag of Starbursts.


Here is Devin, Ashley's Akron friend drinking my last goddamn Fresca.


Here is Phil. Another one of Ashley's friends from Akron. He's trying to look cute here but in real life he's nerdier than me...no joke.


That's my R.A. Clara giving out some serious orders.

Lots of people from North are here too:

Russell Claude Peace transferred from Miami of Ohio to Ohio State and got straight up crunk. Here he is smoking approxamently 6 ciggarettes.


Guess who came to OSU? That's right, Arryn Cole. Until now the word 'Abercrombie' never exceded billboard size...


ShanMan & Ian came to OSU too. They are happily living in Scott House and are currently engaged.


Matt Jenkins is here but I talk to him about as much as I pee standing up.


Josh came to OSU too. He remains one of my very favorite people to hang out with. The man does a mean 'Navi.'


Travis Leonard is in Columbus instead of Newark. It fills him with so much glee that there are frequent instances of 'getting jiggy.'


Ben's here and as you can see he's living it up.


Brandon's here. He lives with Jim and Ben.


Rounding out the trio is Jim. Looking particularly dashing in this leather vest/belt ensemble.

Other people from North go to OSU too but it's obvious I don't consider them real people. Except Angela Thomspon, she's very cool, I just don't have anymore pictures of her. But no one else matters.

So now that everyone has been formally introduced, let's look at some pixxx. On homecoming weekend there was a parade, I took a few pictures.

The parade had one of the most majestic creatures in the animal kingdom...

...that's right, Giant Tacos.



There were these things. I'm still not quite sure what they are but I enjoyed them.


There were many oddities at the parade, including a trolley-bus (?)


And a harmonica band.


This car full of old people broke down and some students had to push it the whole parade...ha.


There were Brutus floats!...Yep, that was a highlight. The parade was basically real lame.

This was the coolest part:



Bang Bang on dem drums, yo!


yep.

Concert Schmoncert: The legend of Russell & Mandy...

The following coming of age tale dates back to June 12th and 13th of the year Two Thousand and Five. Our main characters Russell and Mandy traveled to undiscovered lands (Washington D.C.) in search of adventure. ..will they find what they were looking for? Read on...

At 8 A.M. sharp Russell and Mandy set out on their journey into the unknown. Mandy christened their flagship "La Cosa de Basura."


Our friends drove through miles and miles of mountains, passing millions of unattractive billboards (Jill's Gentleman's Club, www.vasectomy.com, Gambling Anonymous, 50,000 hubcaps, Cherokee Boots). After what seems like years of traveling and liters of sweat lost, our duo stopped for lunch in West Virginia...

The two passed many restaurants but a gas station's Subway seemed most tasty. Mandy learned a valuable lesson that day--never judge a book by it's cover: just because it looks like a Subway and it's called "Subway" doesn't mean it will be yummy. Russell laughed at Mandy's misfortunes while she choked down her disgusting sub; their lack of parmesean oregano bread and brown mustard made her die a little inside...

After a disappointing lunch Mandy and Russell stopped by the local "Food Lion" and noticed a "flea market" outside. There were many things to buy at the "flea market"--fake china dolls, confederate flags, wrap-around sunglasses, confederate flag knives, and other useful items. Mandy settled on a boss pair of aviators, gave the nice man five dollars and set off into "Food Lion." Russell needed Triscuts to eat his brie. Crackers were purchased and the two exited, before leaving the store however, they noticed a vast array of 25 cent machines...



Though "Physical Phasion" was tempting and "Power Bands" seemed to be of high quality, both Russell and Mandy chose to LIVEBOLD. Russell found that he had "STRENGTH" while Mandy was much luckier because she was blessed with "LOVE FAITH" and "HOPE." With such a positive, pink message wrapped around her wrist, Mandy was ready for the second half of the lengthy journey...

...But first, they needed gas! Off to Sheetz, the local petrol facility! Sheetz is full of low prices and high-class townsfolk!

Russell met this fine gentleman while paying for his gas. "May I take your photograph?" asked Russell. "Why certainly, good sir," replied Back-fat Bob. Such nice people in the "Mountain State!"

The duo passed one thing that struck a chord deep within their souls...the SHENANDOAH PLAZA. The two had no time to stop but vowed to never forget the SHENANDOAH PLAZA in all it's glory...

As the hours rolled by Russell and Mandy became increasingly insane. The most mundane became hilarious: "Turkey Run," "Mclean Highway" ("AJ MCLEAN! BSB! He got his own highway! BSB!") and "Donaldson Run" ("'Donaldson Run!' like the Donald! 'You're fired!'").

The level of insanity increased exponentially until - finally - they reached The District of Columbia!

To China Town they go! Russell and Mandy checked into a hotel that Russell hadn't seen since his 8th year of education. Russell wanted to go to a museum one mile away, so Mandy and Russell began to walk, along the way they did three important things--

1) passed a gay rally.


2) Expressed their love for America in a most patriotic way.


3) Did some X.

The duo walked for a million years only to discover...

the museum was closed!!!

Russell was sad:


Mandy was enraged:

To extinguish the furious fire burning throughout her body, Mandy spent lots of money on music in a crappy cd store.

Russell and Mandy then set out on their million mile march to M.I.A.

Their hotel was located on D street. The concert? V. So from D to V the two walked. Through the District of Columbia's China Town and through the much scarier D.C. Ghetto.
After arriving at the 9:30 Club they waited in line behind four stupid, assfaced douchebags for what seemed like years. Listening to the non-stop chatter of idiots drove both Russell and Mandy to the brink of insanity...





...But then the doors opened and our duo became ecstatic!


It's time for M.I.A.


Whilst waiting for M.I.A. to come out this guy said, "Why's M.I.A. so M.I.A. AHHHH!" Russell and Mandy began to fight viciously over who go to "dance all up on him."


After 40 minutes of bad techno out came Maya!




Russell made a name for himself by being the best damn photographer in the land.


He got better as the night went on.


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"D.C. What's up?" M.I.A. asked us. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" we replied. 'Wooooooooooo' was up, indeed.


As the night went on, M.I.A. got really really sweaty...


Not nearly as sweaty as Mandy though.








"Peace out, She'll kill you like Uma."


Mandy danced all up on this girl...she was twirking it too. Oh yeah.


Here she is on top of the speakers...


...M.I.A. was at a toxic level of awesome that night.


Here she is again, see Cherry in the background?


This dude got to booty-dance all up on M.I.A.


Her finger tips and her lips do the work yeah, her hips do the flicks as she walks yeah...Mathangi Arulpragasm, I love you.


M.I.A. was amazing, but like all the best things in the world, the concert came to an end...

Russell and Mandy caught a cab back to China Town and picked a place to dine.

They thought about 'New Big Wong' but decided instead on 'Wok N' Roll.'


Bubble Tea!


Sexy Sushi.


Mandy tried sushi for the first time: Eel & Salmon. Though she enjoyed the eel, the salmon was the clear favorite.

Bright and early the next morn' the two had to embark on their trip back to Ohio. Columbus was the next stop on their journey to see Iron & Wine live. The two became immediately lost in Maryland but on their "detour" found an interesting place...Korean Korner.





There they found little girls with jelly cups stuffed into every orifice!


Korean Korner also had cookies. The cookies came in the cutest boxes imaginable!


Russell & Mandy also got a cake made of beans...yeah, beans.


The bean cake was utterly disguting...


...as evidenced by Russell's face.

The pair eventually found their way back to the highway and set out on their journey one and one half hours late. "It's ok, I can just drive real fast." thought Russell. As soon as they hit the road however, they ran into this...

TRAFFIC! "Oh No!" though Russell, "how will we ever make it on time?" "How?" Mandy replied, "I'll tell you how, drive like you've never driven before!"

After the traffic jam, Russell and Mandy rode through a storm, a carwash, and many many mountains. Russell drove superfast, maxing at 95 miles per hour in order to get to Columbus on time. "We can't let Jim and Andrew down" said Mandy. "Oh, don't fret, young one, we'll get there on time, for sure!" retorted Russell. They passed through many obstacles and they realized nothing could stop them--nothing except...


SHENANDOAH PLAZA! They had to stop..."what's inside?" they wondered. They tried for hours to break in but were unsuccessful. "Oh well," said Russell "lets just take a picture." And so they did.
Back on the road! Ohio Bound! After hours and hours of backtracking, Columbus was finally reached. Once there Russell and Mandy met up with a narcotically stimulated pair of tricksters: Jim and Andrew!


Jim & Andrew had the munchies so everyone ate Subway.

Then they headed to the Newport.

Band of Horses played, Russell & Mandy were enthralled:




After Band of Horses left stage, Iron & Wine and his superfiddle playing colleague took stage...


The person who isn't the man is a quite atrocious fiddler. Her fiddle picking made Russell and Mandy's ears want to cry. "She isn't even playing anything difficult." Weeped Jim, "whole notes, I mean c'mon!"

Iron & Wine played soft, folk rock...


...which lulled Mandy to sleep.

While she slept she had a wonderful dream about...

***END***